Executive Orders Part 1
not from the actual president though, so your mileage may vary
This wonderful person has compiled a google doc of all of the recent executive orders :
So, since I am officially “running” for “president” I figured that instead of being angry/happy about what the real president is Executively Ordering in real life, the better thing to do would be to come up with my own list. Be the change you want to see in the world, etc...
Important note: none of these are jokes. While they may contain (bad) jokes, I am deadly serious about every single one of them. They will all be implemented on day one of my tyrannical regime peaceful accession to the office of the presidency. I will not rescind them except in the exceptionally unlikely circumstance that someone points out a really good reason not to do them.
And yeah, I know, most of them aren’t actually executive orders, they’re requests to congress to pass a law. That is because there is this thing called the constitution that specifies which branch of government passes laws, and I read that part.
So here they are: the Executive Orders, with a focus on symbolism and legitimacy. There will be more in the future - insert ominous music here.
EO 1: Reversing the Reality TV to President Pipeline
For too long, our nation has suffered under the embarrassment of having a reality TV star as president. Whether or not you like the guy, that’s just lame, come on. I will remedy this by instructing congress to pass a new law making anyone who has appeared in more than 20 hours of reality TV ineligible for the presidency.
Secondly, in the interests of maximum transparency in executive branch actions, I will instruct the Office of Propaganda or Communications or PBS or Whatever Its Called to create a new stated-funded reality TV show that follows the president around all day, except when sleeping or doing Top Secret national security stuff. On CSPAN, where you all will definitely watch it. Therefore, as the founding fathers intended, the president will become a reality TV star, not the other way around.
EO 2: End Nepotism
Everyone is sick and tired of political dynasties. I will instruct congress to pass a law making anyone within 3 degrees of relation (or marriage) to any past president ineligible for the presidency and cabinet posts. Specifically this would cover the following families: Kennedy, Clinton, Trump, Obama, Biden, Bush. (Are there any aspiring Carters or Reagans running for office out there? Them too.) This will herald a new golden age of Americans being able to go five or six entire days without hearing about some ridiculous new thing from them.
EO 3: Move the Capitol
The capitol city of the United States is now Cleveland, Ohio. Washington D.C. is hereby ceded to Maryland. Construction will commence on the new 100 story Tower of America (in Cleveland!) that will house (remaining) executive branch functions. In the meantime, during the transition time, Zoom meetings exist. Once complete, the White House will become a tourist attraction with all revenue directed to paying off the national debt. Please exit through the (extremely overpriced) gift shop. Episodes of the The Presidential Daily Reality TV Show are available in VHS and Blu-Ray at 5% off.
EO 4: End Decadent Excess In Government
No more stupid government-funded parties. No more paparazzi style pictures of government people eating fancy dinners. No more White House Correspondents Dinner. Seriously, come on, you know people hate that. Stop it. It’s not bad because it costs tons of money, it’s bad because it makes people resent you. It’s not corruption, it’s that you should practice looking Not Corrupt. Basically anything where, if someone took a picture of it, could be a still from Capitol District extras from Hunger Games: don’t do that.
Monthly drug tests for everyone. Results made public. I don’t really care if you do a bunch of cocaine, but if the taxpayer is paying you, then you don’t get to.
EO 5: Competency Tests For Everyone
It was actually really bad that Biden’s competency declined so much and people denied it. It is really bad that Texas representative was officially in Congress but unofficially in an memory-loss nursing home. Really, really bad. From now on, everyone at high governmental posts: presidency, cabinet, congress, major departments: has to pass a generic competency test every 6 months. Every month if over 70. If they don’t pass, they need to report to the capitol for screening and present a 10 minute video explaining what happened to their constituents/staffers. And resign if they can’t. Being capable of doing your job is literally part of the oath you took.
EO 6: Replace The Press Secretary/Press Pool thing
No more press secretary. All questions, from all sources, anyone - will be routed to a single White House email address and answered in detail - in TEXT - by the president (and a crack team of email response experts). If you, the reporter, can’t be bothered to type up a cogent question, or read a detailed response unless it’s uttered on video by a clearly out-of-their-league press secretary, then you don’t deserve an answer. Critical information about the functioning of the federal government that needs to be on video in order to be absorbed is not information. TV news entirely might be a mistake. Maybe we should ban it.
That’s it for now. I call this the “Hey Maybe The Federal Government Should Actually Look Like It Is Run By Normal Adults” program. Very radical.